On occasion, I am given the honor of participating in the marriage ceremony of a couple.  And as part of the officiating, I am asked to give a short meditation on the importance of a union between two people in a world that seems more bent on division.

Or…I am usually asked.  For a recent ceremony, the couple whose marriage I was officiating asked me to forego giving such a meditation.  

Wait, what?

Instead, they wanted three couples to share something helpful about what they had learned from marriage, from three different perspectives. They wanted a young couple, a middle aged couple, and an older couple.  Julie and I were invited to be one of the couples that shared during their ceremony.

And nope, apparently we are no longer the “young couple”.

Below is what we came up with, fourteen things that we have found helpful in growing and nurturing our marriage.  Both of our voices and “words” are included.

These aren’t for everybody. They are unique to our world view and experiences and values. But maybe you will find some of these helpful.  We’d like to think so.

14 Things

• Dating is not optional.  Go on regular dates.  This is a must.  Make it happen.  Make it special.  Shopping for a vacuum at Home Depot doesn’t count.

• Intimacy is multifaceted.  Give it time, attention, care, and allow it to grow.  You will make lots of mistakes.  Practice patience.  Be experts in grace.

• Loyalty. In the good times as well as the bad, when you are healthy, when he is sick, no matter what, make it a love that can truly be depended on…for always. (And, I would add, go out of your way to give her no reason to ever doubt it.)

• Giving advice in the kitchen never ends well.  Know where your self-assured expertise is wanted…and where it is not.

• Travel Together.  See sights and delights with one another, even if it just means taking a drive to the next town over.

• Serve together.  Blessing others in the name of Jesus, whether with your time, your money, or your talents, will never be wasted or regretted.  And if there’s kiddos in your future, bring them along, too.

• See a counselor.  Even if only one of you wants to go.  It will always seem inconvenient, too expensive, and scary.  Go anyway.

• Tell her she’s beautiful. Even if she doesn’t believe you.  Even if she has the flu.  Especially if she has the flu.

• It really is about the little things.  That morning kiss or the sideways glance of disgust…Pay attention to your marriage account, because, for better or for worse, those little withdrawals or deposits really add up.

• If you can’t agree on a restaurant… Let one person pick three, and the other choose from those.  This is real.  It works.  You’re welcome.

• Make space for togetherness…and apartness.  Share a hobby.  Or at least a walk.  Eat dinner together.  And give the other time for that thing that just isn’t you.

• Buy a bigger stereo.  Spend the extra on a sub woofer.  The kitchen should double as a dance floor.

• Don’t bother yourself with why he needs that new pair of shoes or she wants to purchase yet another golf club.  Share a bank account, but give each other an allowance to use each to their own discretion.

• Pursue Jesus with His Community. As Wendell Berry has said, marriages don’t end because we have a low view of marriage, but because we have a low view of community.  Centralize yourselves in Jesus; surround yourselves with His people.

We’d love to hear which of these you find valuable, or what you would add to this list from your own journey of marriage.  Please post your comments below.

For those of us who are married, or have been, there is an understanding that marriage is difficult.  Even if you have found that one unbelievably patient, beautiful, understanding, fun, generous spouse—and I have—marriage still requires of us a lot of grace and persistence and practice.

And practice.